Summary: Jaina and Zekk meet their most fearsome opponent ever - a computer model that they are completely unfamiliar with
Author's Note:be prepared - this is about the silliest thing I have ever written. I don't even know where I got the idea - well, actually, I do (my family's computers/internet have been screwy lately). Anyway, before you rip me apart because I make both J and Z look like techno idiots, remember that both are ship people…not computer geeks. The fact that they can barely even recognize the computer as what it is doesn't really help, either :P
Jaina: Well…I *think* it's a…computer. After all, that's what you ordered.
Z: *stares in scepticism* You've got to be kidding. I know it was built by the Chiss, but…I've seen computers before - they don't look like - *that*
J: Well, apparently this one does.
Z: How does it work?
Z: *Vong*. Well, let's see…it can't be *that* hard.
J: You underestimate computer programmers' abilities to confuse civilians.
Z: Shush. Try to be optimistic here.
Z: Have you ever used one of these things before?
J: Not really…not this, uh, model, at least.
Z: I repeat - *Vong*.
J: I think that just about sums it up.
Z: Alright, we can do this…now where's the "ON" button? *starts to press random buttons, causing lights to blink red*
J: *slaps Zekk's hand* What are you doing?!? What if you press the wrong button? You could blow us to kingdom come!
Z: Jeez, calm down.
J: *huffs* Sor-*ry* if I don't want to be one with the Force before my twenty-third birthday. *eyes the computer suspiciously*
Z: Well, we're going to have to try to turn it on eventually.
J: *looks at the computer doubtfully* Technically, we don't.
Z: *snorts* *sarcastically* Yeah, and *technically* we don't have to send Master Skywalker these reports.
J: We could just write them by hand…
Z: And how would we get them to your uncle, hm? On a good day, it would take three weeks.
J: *grumbles* You just *had* to get the newest model from the Chiss - didn't you?
Z: (defensively) They're very advanced - look at all the details!
J: Great, so now we -
Z: You *do* know you sound like a grouchy old woman, right? Just concentrate on the sithin' computer.
J: FINE! *locates a bit red button on the far left and smacks it as hard as she can*
*both jump away from the computer wall and cover their heads in case something explodes*
J: (whispers) Is it…safe?
Z: *peers out from under the dejarik table* *shocked* Nothing happened.
J: WHAT?! But I pressed THE BIG RED button! SOMETHING should have happened!
Z: *bewildered* One would think so…
J: Great - now it's playing cat and mouse games with us. And I thought the 'Vong were inhumane.
Z: I think you give the demon-spawned thing too much credit, Jay.
J: That's what it wants you to think - as soon as it gets the chance - as soon as we relax - it's going to pounce and kill us all! *wails melodramatically* We're doomed - *doomed* - DOOMED!
Z: *aghast* Jay! CALM DOWN!
J: *stops* Sorry. *pauses* *grabs her lightsaber in one hand and then pulls the metal mop-water bucket off her head and stands*
Z: Any suggestions that don't have to do with how, er *snickers* 'doomed' we are?
J: *glares at Zekk* Ha sithin' ha. *stares hard at computer* Hm… *looks over at the holo phone* Hm… *looks at her nails* Hm…
J: *sighs despondently* I *really* need to get a manicure.
Z: *rolls his eyes* While you think about that, perhaps you could think of how to get us out of this mess?!
J: *thinks hard* Well………………………we *could* call Lowie.
Z: YES! *beams* Genius idea, Jay. Go call him.
J: Why me?
Z: He likes you better. Whenever he sees me he kinda……growls at me
J: Lowie? Growl? What are you ON? He doesn't growl!
Z: He doesn't growl around *you*. He hasn't liked me since I started putting my wads of bubble gum in his fur whenever a garbage can wasn't nearby.
J: Then you deserve it; Lowie had to shave his entire back and a big part of his stomach fur because of your Bubble-icious wads
Z: Which makes all the better of an idea that *you* call him.
J: But - but………………. *whimpers* I'd have to go past the C-O-M-P-U-T-E-R."
Z: Uh…Jay? Why are you spelling -
J: So it won't know I'm talking about it! *rolls her eyes* (mutters) Men.
Z: (exasperated) It's a *computer* Jay
J: *glares* I'm not walking past it
Z: *grits his teeth* Fine. If you don't want to walk past it, go into the lounge and use the holo-phone *there*
J: *thinks* *looks at the computer* *looks in the direction of the lounge* You're coming with me
Z: I already told you he hates me!
J: *glares* Zekk. Ennth. You. ARE. Coming.
Z: *gulps* *stutters* O-O-OK.
*Z and J go into the lounge*
J: *dials Lowie's ship holo-phone*
Z: *hides behind Jaina*
J: What are you *doing*????
Z: What does it look like?!
J: *rolls her eyes* Men. Frightened of even the littlest thing.
Z: I wouldn't talk, Miss -
J: *glares at Zekk*
Z: *freezes* I'm not saying anything.
J: Good. *flips her hair* Now stop being a sissy and get out from behind me.
Z: Who said this is about being a sissy? Maybe I'm just here so I can look at your, uh -
J: Finish that sentence and you're a dead man.
Z: Yes sir - er, ma'am - er, Miss - er, Colonel, er -
J: Just get out from behind me. It's starting to annoy me.
Z: Yes Goddess.
*holophone screen blinks on*
J: Hm…where's Lowie?
Z: *silent shock*
J: *looks at the screen* Oh sweet Force…
Z: Turn it off! Turn it off!
J: *continues to stare in gruesome fascination* Is that even physiologically possible for a Wookiee?!?!?!?!?!
Z: Just turn it off, vong it!
J: *slaps it off*
J: *swallows* I guess Uncle Luke's matchmaking attempts with Lowie and Raaba were successful
Z: *gags in a delayed reaction* I'm scarred for life.
J: *looking troubled* We have to go back into there, don't we?
Z: *still staring at the (blank) holophone screen* Huh?
J: *forcefully turns Zekk's head away from the holo-phone screen* We have to go back to that demon spawned…machine…don't we?
Z: Frankly, I don't think anything can be worse than what was just on……..*that*
J: Wanna bet?
Z: *sighs* Just get it over with.
J: *pouts but leads the way back to the computer room* (muttering) I am *never* letting you buy something without me seeing it first ever again…
Z: *ignores her*
*both stare at the computer*
J: *finally* I'd just like to state right now that I *hate* the Chiss.
Z: Funny, considering how you swapped spit with one for two and a half years.
J: Shut up *silence, then* We can't use this thing…it'll eat us alive.
Z: *rolls his eyes* Oh c'mon. We can do this *Swallows, but steps forward and tentatively presses a few buttons*
Z: See! Nothing hap -
*both are thrown against the far wall, where they stare in shock*
J: It…that…was that…supposed to happen?
Z: *blinks* You mean the 'ka-bloom'? …Uh, no, I don't think so.
J: *takes a step forward*
*The front half of the computer falls off with a BAM*
J: *yips and jumps out of the way* *whispers* I think…you set it to self-destruct.
J: Three weeks to mail, huh?
Z: On a good day, seeing as how we're on the Outer Rim.
J: Do you want to write it or should I?